Date: Sunday, 19 January
Stage: People's Choice Classic
Distance: 50 kilometers
Location: River Torrens, Adelaide
Start Time: 1915 hours local time
Weather: Sunny, warm, pleasant
Summary (according to the Santos Tour Down Under 2014 Media Guide): "A new city circuit awaits for the 2014 People's Choice Classic. The Peloton will travel around the River Torrens for this fast and furious 50 kilometer curtain-raiser. Expect strong performances as the riders test their legs. Fans will savour South Australia's renowned food and wine at the many restaurants, bars and cafes through Central Adelaide."

THREE THINGS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE FAKE RACE:

  1. Police accused one of Tubular Tommy's Pop-up Guerilla Sausage Sizzle's guests of inappropriate comments and lewd sausage waving.
  2. At the end of the race, before the start of the award ceremony, the event played Let it Roll by Flo Rida.
  3. At some point near the start/finish of today's fake race we chased down Graham Watson stalker/fanboy-style. What follows is a transcript of our conversation. Side Note: the following transcript may, and should, serve as a realtalk breakdown/synopsis of today's fake race.

MFS: Graham Watson, you don't know me, but I know you, I know that you are Graham Watson, I know that you are a preeminent cycling photographer, in fact I think you might be [air quotes] THE cycling photographer. Of like, our generation or whatever.

GW: No, no I'm not, I'm not THE cycling photographer.

MFS: Okay, okay I see. Would you accept: One of THE cycling photographers et cetera, et cetera.

GW: Hmmm, yeah, okay. One of THE, but not THE.

MFS: What do I need to know about today's stage?

GW: [silence]

MFS: Okay, so like what do we need to know about the character of today's race, what's happening, what's it all about?

GW: [continued silence and then] Nothing is happening, it's a one hour race.

MFS: Umm okay, but what's the point?

GW: There is no point, it's just a little warm-up for the rest of the week.

Photographer with better access than MFS, fig. 1.
Photographer with better access than MFS, fig. 2.
Photographer with better access than MFS, fig. 3.
Photographer with better access than MFS, fig. 4.
"Two laps into the race four riders rode clear to vie for prizemoney in three of the four intermediate sprints contested at the end lap five, ten and 15. Australian Nathan Haas (Garmin-Sharp) claimed all three of the sprints ahead of his breakaway companions Italian Luca Wackermann (Lampre-Merida) and French pair Axel Domont (AG2R La Mondiale) and Anthony Roux (FDJ.fr)."—Official Santos Tour Down Under Media Release
"German speedster Marcel Kittel (Giant-Shimano) has sprinted home to claim the 2014 People's Choice Classic crown ahead of countryman Andre Greipel (Lotto Belisol) and Australian young gun Caleb Ewan (UniSA-Australia) as the Santos Festival of Cycling kicked off in spectacular style on the banks of the River Torrens in Adelaide."—Official Santos Tour Down Under Media Release1

Addendum #1: People's Choice Barricade Butts2

Addendum #2: 2014 People’s Choice Undies Run for Bowel Cancer

"Welcome to the People’s Choice Undies Run for Bowel Cancer, a unique event that raises funds and awareness about the importance of bowel cancer screening."
"In its first year, more than 1200 runners stripped down to their undies in front 100,000 spectators at the People’s Choice Classic opening race of the Santos Tour Down Under – raising more than $120,000 for Cancer Council SA."
"Every cent you raise will help Cancer Council SA to get more people to take a simple bowel cancer home screening test to stop people dying needlessly from bowel cancer."
"Are you up for the challenge?"
  1. Sorry for cutting off your head, Marcel! Our bad! []
  2. People's Choice Credit Union is not affiliated with Barricade Butts in any way, but they sponsored everything else today—see second Addendum—so it felt appropriate. []