THANKS, OUR DUDES

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Twenty-One: Stage 20: Bergerac to Périgueux

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DAS PANZER!

A mostly-flat time trial was predictably won by Tony "Panzerwagen" Martin, as several riders (most notably Laurens ten Dam) arrived to the finish line with a with a mouth full of drool and foam. Martin celebrated his win by talking endlessly on his very ladylike mobile phone.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Twenty: Stage 19: Maubourguet Pays du Val d'Adour to Bergerac

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TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR? SAFARI ANIMALS? CONDOM ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD? HONEY BADGER DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Emboldened by horrid weather conditions, Ramūnas "Honey Badger" Navardauskas broke free and won the stage on a day that saw the peloton traverse the rainy French countryside, including going by a town named Condom. The day's award for best fan was given (by us) to the elephant on the side of the road.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Nineteen: Stage 18: Pau to Hautacam

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+0:00, +7:10, +39:28

Nibali secures Tour title despite encounter with cell phone wielding, slack jawed fan, as the French fight for podium spots and an aging Chris Horner goes for broke and is going, going, gone.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Eighteen: Stage 17: Saint-Gaudens to Saint-Lary-Soulan Pla d'Adet

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WINKING MOUNTAIN KING LIGHTS ONE UP

A winking, polka dot-clad Rafal Majka sashayed to the finish line, securing his spot as the king of the mountains. In doing so, he ended Joaquim "Purito" Rodríguez dreams of winning that competition in style.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Seventeen: Stage 16: Carcassonne to Bagnères-de-Luchon

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MANUEL CAUGHT GRAMMING WHILE DRIVING

Manuel's social media needs made him a part of the race, as he blocked the final descent for Nibali, and Michael Rogers time trialed his way to stage victory.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Sixteen: Rest Day #2

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CHASING RABBITS

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Sixteen: Stage 15: Tallard to Nîmes

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ROBBED!

Jack Bauer fought valiantly for a stage win through miserable weather, only to have it stolen by Norwegian Alexandr Kristoff.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Fifteen: Stage 14: Grenoble to Risoul

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STAGE 14 LE CHOIX DU PEUPLE WINNER: ARNAUD DEMARE

Rafal Majka, who had previously been reluctant to ride the Tour, won the race’s queen stage. As impressive as Majka’s victory was, the day’s winner was without a doubt Arnaud Demare, who stopped mid-race to drop anchor in a camper belonging to some unsuspecting Swiss tourists, earning him the first ever Crowd Pleaser jersey.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Fourteen: Stage 13: Saint-Étienne to Chamrousse

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POOR RICHIE PORTE PORTHOLE PUKES AND SINKS SKY'S SHIP, CHUMMED WATERS CHOWED BY SHARK

Having come to the Tour de France as favorites, Team Sky saw their Plan B sink as Richie Porte lost a copious amount of time. Conversely, Vincenzo “The Shark” Nibali furthered secured his lead, as TV helicopters looked for every possible shot of sheep in the Alps.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Thirteen: Stage 12: Bourg-en-Bresse to Saint-Étienne

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MELT MONSTER SLAMS GORILLA!

Rage organizers and commentators warned of road melt, which may very well have taken down Andre “The Gorilla” Greipel. Tip: if you are betting on a fight between the Road Melt Monster and a German Gorilla, pick the Road Melt Monster. Unperturbed by tarmac conditions, Alexander Kristoff won the stage, as Nibali kept the yellow jersey.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Twelve: Stage 11: Besançon to Oyonnax

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OBI-WAN FIGNON AND THE DEATH BROOM

Toni Gallopin won another stage as mentor and family friend Laurent Fignon looked down upon him from the heavens. Locals wrote their town’s name in canoes for TV helicopters, as Andrew Talansky refused to get off his bike, and will likely dream of the broom wagon pursuing him for years to come.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Ten: Stage 10: Mulhouse to La Planche des Belles Filles

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A STRIKE, A STRIKEOUT, AND AN EAGLE BOGEYS.

Alberto Contador decided to fly home after a crash, as American Ted King abandoned as well. But it wasn’t all sadness, Scarponi decided to go bowling, and used a few spectators as bowling pins.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Nine: Stage 09: Gérardmer to Mulhouse

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FEELS GOOD

An open-mouthed Tony Martin won the stage as Toni Gallopin got the yellow jersey, meaning we were just one Toné shy of Tony! Toni! Toné!

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Eight: Stage 08: Tomblaine to Gérardmer La Mauselaine

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JUS CANNOT TOUCH DEES

Blel Kadri won the stage, as Alberto Contador did his usual dancing-on-the-pedals routine. Nibali kept up with the dancing Spaniard, only conceding seconds in the last few meters of the stage.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Seven: Stage 07: Épernay to Nancy

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THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN EAGLES CRY

Tejay van Garderen and Andrew Talansky, America's GC hopes, crashed and lost time, making Americans everywhere (including bald eagles) cry in solidarity. Matteo Trentin took a photo-finish victory over Sagan, whose goatee didn’t give him the necessary strength to overpower the Italian.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Six: Stage 06: Arras to Reims

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REGGAE RAMBO SWALLOWED BY TOOTHLESS GORILLA

Luis Angel Mate, likely powered by his lengthy renegade braids, fought valiantly to stay in the break, as Andre “The Gorilla” Greipel won the stage.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Five: Stage 05: Ypres to Arenberg Porte du Hainaut

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CHRIS, FROM BOOM TO DOOM

Froome crashes one too many times, and leaves the Tour, as Wiggins (perhaps) grins and wonders what might have been. Nibali laughs at the cobbles, takes the yellow jersey, and Boom wins the Roubaix-light stage.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Four: Stage 04: Le Touquet-Paris-Plage to Lille Métropole

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TONGUE LASHING LEADS TO FINISH

Today’s stage featured 15% less tongue wagging by Voeckler than many expected, as Iceman (aka Kittel) took another stage.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Three: Stage 03: Cambridge to London

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WATTS UP TOUR DE FRANZ!!!

Kittel, who looks surprisingly like Iceman from Top Gun, staged a low-level German invasion by winning in front of Buckingham Palace.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day Two: Stage Two: York to Sheffield

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VINCENZO NIBALI WINS STAGE TWO, PETER SAGAN HAS A GOATEE

Nibali won, Froome sort of tried to win, and Sagan's goatee remained a loss for all of humanity as the Tour made its way through Yorkshire’s Ardennes.

Report filed from on the ground by Manuel.


Day One: Stage One: Leeds to Harrogate

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ICEMAN ROYALLY COMETH; 'MANX MISSILE' MARK HAS MANKY MISSTEP

Trying to win in front of royalty and his family, Mark Cavendish went down swinging (and head-butting, and crying), as Marcel Kittel won the stage and the first yellow jersey.

Report filed from Harrogate by Manuel.12


Day Zero: Out of the Doghouse, Into the Chateau

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Three years ago Manuel quit his Courtroom Artist job of 35 years—the majority of which time he spent working in the Florida Supreme Court, and over the course of which tenure he won dozens of prestigious national and international awards for his art—to finally realize his dream of becoming the first Canine TV Correspondent for ABC's Wide World of Sports.

Though Manuel is in a hurry to leave the stress and anxiety of the courtroom behind, he is confident that his work and focus will continue to feature his World Famous Illustrations (WFIs). And while Manuel is more interested, personally, in LARPing and Team Sports than Cycling, his was both the first and most compelling/titillating response to Manual for Speed's Craigslist Ad about the Tour de France—so he got the job.

And so it is that today, Manuel hitchhiked from his home in Florida to France where he learned the 2014 Tour de France starts in Leeds, a city in the country of England. On his new assignment, Manuel commented, "I want to be an example for future generations of dogs. It's four small steps for canine-kind."

Tomorrow is the first day of Manuel's new life, and the start of Tour Day France!

  1. Also: Germany Bombs England While France Watches, Again. []
  2. Also: Guerilla Gorilla!!!!! []